The Broomsquire’s Compendium of Mind and Body Besoms
An incomplete guide to the craft of mind sweeping.
Broomsquires. Besom Builders. Keepers of the Sweep. The first day of Broomsquire Academy can be daunting. No doubt you have been ridiculed for your choice of occupation, peppered with sweeping generalizations about your future that have been difficult to brush off. And yes. The puns. Witchful thinking and all that jazz.
Students. This is a hallowed craft and you will learn much in your time of schooling. Mastery of Broomsquirey is a life-long endeavor—a passion, a pursuit, a calling—and with the help of this compendium and your tenacity of spirit, you will emerge from this a Champion of the Besom. Your excellence in your craft will, to reclaim the idiom, sweep every one of your haters and doubters off their feet.
There are six main categories of Mind and Body Besoms to master. While this book will explore every corner of the room to break down the intricacies and foibles of each, please take the time to familiarize yourself with the high-level summaries so that you may better choose an elective category in which to explore during your next 12 years of study.
Welcome to the bushy world of Broomsquires.
Primary Categories of Mind and Body Besoms
Sweepers
Dirt, dust, thoughts, emotions, problematic desire debris—the importance of a humble Sweeper for cleaning out the psyche and filth-mind of the human form cannot be understated.
When making a broom for sweeping, the Broomsquire shall endeavor to create an implement that is both easily flicked and gripped. The handle of the broom (hereon referred to as “tail”) shall be lightweight and breezy, yet firm and reassuring—a truly handleable handle or touchable tail.
All sweep-action mind besoms are sturdy, authoritative, and known for their ability to dispatch trouble with a swish sound. Both indoor and outdoor brains find this sound soothing, and sort of wish it was on one of those sleep apps, actually.
A talented Broomsquire will be able to imbue a quality mind sweeping implement with three essential characteristics—calm, rationality, and practicality.
Calm: All anxiety, fear, panic, and worry will be calmly swept from the corners of the mind methodically and with precision. The broomcorn of this besom is capable of getting under furniture and does not scratch delicate mind flooring.
Rationality: The sweeping action will establish patterns that push the mind debris about a bit, enabling the operator to examine and pick out the useful fluffs and stuffs, before the rest is consolidated in a central location.
Practically: The Sweeper directs the pile of mind “doesn’t-matter” toward the center of the space into a pile which is then swept into an artisanal dustpan (crafted by a skilled Pansquire.)
CAUTION: In the hands of an unskilled Broomsquire in training, a freshly stretched Sweeper may take on a fourth and unwanted trait: that of avoidance. In these cases, while still sweeping, the operator is compelled to sweep troubles, desire debris, anger, worries about money, etc. under nearby rugs. Sweeping, yes. Toward a good outcome? No. For this reason, apprentice Broomsquires typically begin their training with DJF besoms. Ignore people who say DJFs are fiddledeedee besoms. Many of the greatest Broomsquires of our generation began with DJFs.
Swingers
Swingers are the unsung heroes of those with hard-to-reach brain itches and life niggles that are dangling at the edge of their perception. Where Sweepers excel at ground-level mind maladies, Swingers are Broomsquire catnip for minds filled with cobwebs, rabid bats, and tiny birds that flew in through an open window and are now bashing against the skylight.
When making a broom for swinging, the Broomsquire shall use thy noggin’ and work out the physics of the thing. The swingability is affected by the design, so aesthetics are not the priority with Swingers. Considerations must be made for both the head (the bushy bit) and tail of the besom, with overall weight being the greatest consideration. Or more specifically the balance of that weight. A Swinger should be easily hoisted and enthusiastically swung at items well out of reach of standard human brain arm-ery.
Cobwebs of the mind are notoriously tricky, often leaving danglers that can only be spotted when the sun shines in through the eye windows at exactly the right time. When choosing your broomcorn for the head, we suggest throwing in some weird-ass lengths at random to tickle these annoyances from the air. Some Broomsquires prefer twigs for a Swinger due to the irregular lengths of the twigs.
It should be noted that Swingers will also make short work of dusty mind carpets. A determined operator can use a Swinger to beat the absolute living shit out of a mind carpet, causing idea dust to rise and permeate the brain space for easy thought collection. For this reason, there is a subset of Swingers classified Level-7 realm, Extra Oomph. Third-year students may add this supplementary elective if they show a particular skill at shoulder rotation. Curriculum available upon request.
Rulers
Risk measurement besoms are highly personal implements, fitted specifically to each user. Somewhat bespoke, the Ruler category has become less popular in recent years due to operators not caring about consequences anymore, since they’re never gonna be able to afford that house anyway so let’s just die living. Or something.
When making a broom for measuring things, the Broomsquire shall make the tail of the Ruler as straight as humanly possible. Like, no knots, no twists, no ornamental squiggly bits. The tail shall be notched to indicate levels of risk, ranging from ‘Eh, not much”, to “Feks sake, abort! abort!” Notches are made using a specialty knife called a Squirelet Blade, which can be purchased from the student union.
Detectors
Detectors do one thing and one thing only: detect hydrogen leaks in the brain. Many consider Detectors to be purely ornamental, but if you’ve even had an undetected hydrogen leak in your brain and your mind has exploded because you’d loaned your Detector besom to a friend, you would perhaps argue vigorously about this.
When making a broom for detecting hydrogen leaks around the launch pad of the human mind—confidence escaping, esteem drifting away, etc.—the Broomsquire shall use only the most flammable of twigs. Like, yo, the head of this besom must be super-highly combustible in a flash. This is a human life!
Similarly, like Swingers, Detectors must be so light as to be waved effortlessly. Unlike Swingers, Detectors are held out in front of the body, horizontally, and waved around. For this reason, they must be even lighter and more easily wielded than a Swinger. Lightsaber territory, but without the glow or the sound. Or the aesthetics. The head weight of the Detector shall not exceed a weight that can be comfortably held out while delicately exploring the air of the mind. The operator should not feel like a goof while using it.
Remember: leaking confidence and esteem gas in the brain is invisible and highly flammable. The whole purpose of the Detector is to catch fire upon contact with this gas and save the operator’s life. If there is even a moment of hesitation in that spontaneous immolation of the head of the besom, lives may be lost, and that will be on you.
With this in mind, the high council of Broomsquires has declared that Broomsquires who specialize in life-saving Detectors are the Pediatric Heart Surgeons of our profession.
Dancers, Jumpers, and Farters (DJFs)
Sometimes called, rather disparagingly, fiddledeedee besoms, the DJFs have a specific role to play in mind-broomery: that of relaxation and chilling the hell out.
When making a broom for goofing off, all care must be given to durability and tone. Since these besoms are often used in the backyards of minds, they take a regular shellacking when being used.
Those who dance with their DJF do so gently, choosing to live in a world of imagination with frequent invisible-eye contact with their bushy partner. Broomsquires are encouraged to add personality to the head of the besom for this reason. Not eyes exactly. You’ll work it out.
Those using their DJF for jumping—or more entertainingly “Dizzy Stick” aka, holding the broom upward, spinning around while looking up at it, and then hurling it to the ground and attempting to jump over it—will appreciate a lightweight body, with superb throwability. In terms of durability, frequent jumpers do like a few dents in the body to show they know how to have a good time and do it on the regular. Take this into consideration when choosing materials for the DJF.
Those using their DJF for farting about aka “Farters” are slightly unpredictable. Often used in partnership with too much alcohol or non-prescribed substances, Farters are used for dares, reenactments of sword fights, limbo shenanigans and just general laugh, “you’re a regular riot” type stuff. Do what you want with a Farter, design-wise. Decorative flourishes are encouraged, as are the additions of such tomfoolery as Bluetooth connectivity and sound effect buttons.
Apprentice Broomsquires are ideally suited to create DJF brooms as they do not require serious Broomsquire energy, gaining the majority of their personality from the operator.
Regular operators of DJFs have lovely brains. Quite nice to be around.
Flyers
Flyers are for everyone, despite the assumption that not everyone can fly. These highly sought-after besoms allow a mind to shoot off into the air and explore space from a vantage point of sheer freedom.
When making a broom for flying, all care must be taken to use the full spectrum of Broomsquire skill and philosophy to imbue the broom with hope, agility, and boundless curiosity.
The head of the flying broom shall look all witchy and shit. Like as witchy as you can make it—bog-standard Hollywood, a Halloween silhouette kinda deal. Use only the best broomcorn and brushy twiggery for this little hot rod.
For imagination to take flight, the head of the Flyer (which is pointed to the rear during flight), should be easily adjustable for navigation purposes. Like a rudder, the head of a Flyer is capable of directing thought in unexpected directions. For this reason, it is recommended the Broomsquire use a variety of broomcorns and twigs in its creation. Perhaps throw some Silver Birch in there?
To change direction, operators have displayed a preference for just giving a little jiggle to the materials to fluff it out. Broomsquires are encouraged to consult with potential clients for broomcorn preferences for their Flyer.
The tail of the Flyer shall be smooth, straddlable, and firm-grippable. Take care to remove all splinters. Most attention must be directed to the tail during development as all power and mind-bending properties are held within it. Or upon it. That’s all we’re gonna say. You will learn more about this in your studies and that’s seriously all we’re gonna say about it here. Don’t look at us—ask the witches!
Next Chapter: Broomcorn, the Return
Yours in tiny thought,
Janeen1
Go behind the scenes of this episode
This week’s amends…
"You’ve got to invest in the world, you’ve got to read, you’ve got to go to art galleries, you’ve got to find out the names of plants. You’ve got to start to love the world and know about the whole genius of the human race. We’re amazing people."- Vivienne Westwood
On Rotation: “El President” by Drugstore
Thom cameo. Yum.
How the race was won. A composite photograph by Casey Sims showing the semis of the men's 110-meter hurdles at the 2023 World Championships. Such a simple idea with lots of different things to focus on.
Via Kottke
Rotating Sandwiches. A site with contents as described on the tin.
Via Swiss Miss
Shameless Podcast Plug
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