Can Bravery be Bought?

Buying courage from a catalog should be a thing.

Aug 22, 2022

Don’t like reading? Allow me to read it to you 👈

Hello, you have reached the returns department at Get a Life®. Please enter your order number using the keypad followed by the pound sign so that one of our Life Support Champions may serve you better with your Life Package return. This call may be monitored for quality assurance reasons. You are currently number 5 in the Life queue.

[MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW MINUTES. LINE PICKS UP]

Yo, hello, hey there! You’re now talking to me, Johnny, your personal Life Support Champion. I’m sorry to hear that you need to Return a Life today, but I can help, no worries. I am programmed to help you for sure. Whatsup with your Life? Word.

Um, what? Wait, am I talking to a real person?

Yes, I am alive. How may I assist you today?

Oh, OK. Hi Johnny. Yes, I received your Artist Life Package™ and I’d like to get a refund.

No problemo, person name. What is the reason for your return?

It doesn’t work. I am not an artist.

Oh, colloquialism! I can see why you’d want to send that Life back. It’s not the Life you wanted! Such a drag, but listen. Before we get into the weeds of that hassle, let me just consult with you in your language to guide you through a short checklist to identify the exact reason your Life Package doesn’t work. Perhaps we can troubleshoot our way out of this, right?!

I just want to return…

Sometimes the organism just hasn’t activated it properly and nine out of ten error messages, I can fix it and you can get back to your new Life.

Activate? It’s just an empty box!

Allow me to just pull up your order, friend. I see here that the Artist’s Life Package includes Explorer, Creator, Judge, and Warrior, all for the crazy low price of $59.99, not including taxes. What a steal! Were any of these missing from your Life Package contents?

It’s ALL missing! The box is completely empty. There’s NOTHING in it!

I understand. Follow-up question. How far did you stick your 11lb head in?

What? What’s that got to do with anything?

It helps with Life Package activation. We’ve found that folks who stick their heads waaaaay far in—like really get their snouts in there—get a real good lungful of their package contents and that activates it marvelously! Primo activation!

I mean, I looked in the box….

Are you talking peeked? Peered? Glanced? Did you not stick your whole fleshy noggin’ in at all?

I… I can’t really remember. I was just so shocked at the emptiness of my new Life.

No drama dharma, buddha boy! We can work this out! Let’s just get a few diagnosis Qs out of the way to see if any of your purchased components have activated upon unboxing.

It was empt…

How would you describe your curiosity or nosiness level right now? Feel the urge to stick your beak in everyone else’s business? Assailed by the constant wonder at what your friends are doing right now, in this minute? Ever look down a road and think “I wonder if there are goats down there?” Do you frequently imagine yourself with or without a beard, or ponder if you could pull off wearing a trilby on the daily?

What odd questions. Um… I don’t think I’m more curious than usual. [PAUSE] Although I did ask someone in Home Depot why they put the things you need so far away from each other. I mean I did enjoy the aisle grazing, but it took me forever to find the Goo Gone…

Bingo! Sounds like Explorer has activated and is in its warm-up cycle.

But…

Think about it, customer name. If you weren’t already in Explorer mode, curious to find out how to get the most out of your new Artist Life Package, you would’ve simply used the automated refund form on our Get a Life website to get your money back. Who goes out of their way to attempt to send back an empty box? Not an Explorer, no siree! You needed to explore your feelings on the matter. To find out what’s what. To right a wrong…

To get my money back.

Haha, caller! You’re funny. Now, what about paper planes? Have you made any good paper planes lately, you know with the engineered nose cone and the wing flaps for more accurate flight paths?

No.

Doodled aimlessly on a notepad?

Um…

Made something out of nothing? Taken what you’ve found in your explorations and crafted a pointless thing? What about a good old-fashioned lie? Have you told any whoppers lately? Maybe about why you didn’t go to that party? Perhaps you exaggerated your track record with the ladies in high school to a work colleague?

[PAUSE]

No. I have not.

Are you lying to me now?

Yes.

Well, there you go.

Is the ability to make up a lie… is that… is that a sign of the Creator?

Trying to break through and establish its beachhead in your life, yes. You need to relax into it. Let it happen. The Creator will start out small but builds over time to produce mucho output. It’s really quite spectacular.

Wait! I just remembered I made a really long chain out of paper clips at work the other day!

There it is! There’s our Creator. Sounds like you’ve activated her just fine.

Uh, I should’ve seen it. I’m such an idiot. What a colossal piece of useless shit I am. I’m a waste of space! I suck!

Bingo again! BOOM!

Huh?

You just called yourself an idiot. Put yourself down like a savage. That’s the Judge right there. Have you noticed an increase in self-hatred lately? Maybe denigrating your value in front of other people? Criticizing your own work? Denying yourself things because you think you’re too pathetic and don’t deserve to be happy?

Oh my god, yes! I’m the absolute worst at everything. I mean, from the sound of it, I can’t even activate a simple Life Package properly. What a goose! But what about the Warrior element? There’s no way I have the Warrior. I’m weak, I don’t stand up to defend myself. I can’t even make a fist without feeling like a fraud.

You are wrong in this assessment of yourself, valued client.

Of course, I am. I’m a dummy! None more dumb than I!

Okay, steady on now. Let’s dial that Judge back a bit—it’s coming on a little strong. Exhale for me, nice and slow.

[SOUND OF CALMING BREATH]

I know you said the box is empty but check under one of the flaps in the bottom. There should be a postcard of a “Hang in There” kitten. Look at that for a few moments while breathing. You good?

Um… there’s no kitten. But there is a glossy 8x10 of Paul Rudd. Oh, I feel my anxiety aging backward already. What a relief!

Excellent. Now. The Warrior. It’s obvious you have it, guy! While the Warrior is available for purchase as a standalone package, it’s also a component of all other items in your order. Built-in, you see? You can’t be an Explorer without cojones. You can’t create without fighting all your instincts to throw it all away, and you certainly can’t put anything you create out into the world without being brave. And the Judge? Well, a judge is just an antagonist with a gavel to call an end to any round, and I think we’ve established you’re ready to fight, even if it’s just with yourself. Ding! Ding! See what I’m saying?

I am the Warrior?

There you go, Pat Benetar!

What?

Hmm, your date of birth may be listed incorrectly in our database. Please update your profile after this call to ensure you are no longer served dated Life references in your interactions with future Life Support Champions. Let’s move on. Warrior activation can be a little tricker than the others, but the fact that you were so enraged by the box being empty earlier makes me think it’s at least half-activated. Tell me, is the box still open?

Yes, the box is still open.

OK. Stick your head in.

[MUFFLED] OK, my head is in the box.

Excellent. Now take another deep breath, but this time, like you’re about to deep dive your way to the lost city of Atlantis.

[SOUND OF INHALATION, FOLLOWED BY A RASPY COUGH]

SUCCESS! That sounded a lot like an activation confirmation cough. You should be good to go from here on, newly minted Artist!

OK, but now what?

That’s it. That’s all. Now you just have to destroy the box so that it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. There’s always residue in those boxes and if you leave it out on the curb uncrushed and still boxy, then…

Then what?

The theory is that’s how neighborhood Karens are made.

Get out!

Yup. Sir/Madam, would you still like to return your Artist’s Life Package today?

No, thank you! This is awesome. If I have any more issues, I’ll call back.

Rad, person name! Now, for your trouble—I know issues like a non-activated Life can be frustrating and confusing—we’d like to offer you a complimentary Get a Life Instant Anecdote™ lozenge. Our treat!

What’s that?

It’s a one-time activation of a story you can use at a party to become the center of attention. Many people use it as an icebreaker at work functions. Very useful for impressing your boss. Also has a nice minty taste.

Oh, that’d be great!

Before you go, I see on your file that you’ve ordered previously and purchased a High Horse and some Idea Fireworks from us. I need to caution you that there may be some poor interactions and side effects if you run these programs and products side-by-side. I will say that the High Horse responds well to exploring, but to go easy on the warrior when getting up there on it. I’d hate to see you bucked off!

Wait, what about the Idea Fireworks? What happens if I activate a Mangled Dangler™ around the Creator?

I would not recommend that. But maybe Explore and find out? Is there anything else I can help you with regarding your Life today?

What is the meaning of it?

Meaning of what?

Life.

Well, I’m not programmed to help you with that. That’s a journey only you can take. But, if you like, I can send you a brochure for our Life, the Ultimate 404™ series. It’s quite popular.

What’s that

[PAUSE] Answer not found. Have a nice day! [CLICK]

This week’s amends…

“The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it.”
- Margaret Atwood, “The Blind Assassin”