Idea Fireworks for Explosive Minds

Are you brave enough to hold a dangerous idea in your hand? Light it? Throw it?

Jul 04, 2022

[DIAL TONE. SOUND OF NUMBERS BEING PRESSED, FOLLOWED BY PHONE RINGING. PICKS UP.]

“BOOM! Y’ello, you’ve reached the Magical Emporium of Fizz Hiss Boom Bang. How may I blow your mind today?”

“Oh, yes, hello. I received your flyer and I was wondering if you could tell me a little about these Idea Fireworks you have advertised on page 3?”

“BANG! You’ve called at the perfect time! We’ve just taken new stock of a veritable skyful of things that go KAPOW! and make folks go WOW! It really is a pliant time to be alive in the garden of pyrotechnical conceptualization.”

“Oh, wow. Um… well… um…geez.”

“Got a big meeting? Looking for a fast-track wow-maker? Noodling on a cognition mission? ZING! I ask you, what sort of impression are you looking to make, my friend?”

“OK. Lemme see, where to start… My boss is asking for ideas and I’ve been stuck in the inspo doghouse for a while now, so I dunno? I guess I’m looking for something safe, but also, you know, not safe. An “Oh shit, this kid’s a genius and even the nihilists dig it”—do you have anything like that?

“Safe you say?”

“Yeah”

“But socks-knocked-off impressive?”

“Exactly.”

“Hmm, I’ll be honest. People don’t really come to us for safe. More WOWEE ZOWEE! take my money kinda deals. The safest thing we probably have are Snarklers™. They’re sort of like a mutant sparkler. Soft ‘Ahhhh-2.0’ stuff. Pretty to look at; anyone can hold it in their hand without fear of losing fingers or burning a hole in their jacket; but with a sporadic POP! of acerbic wit that’ll make folks think ‘Ah, the old dog’s still got it.’ Are you by chance an old dog?”

“Not at all, but I AM surrounded by them. I regularly get sidelined by older, more experienced folks. Makes me afraid to say anything in meetings, you know?”

“Stop. Right. There. BAM! You need The Dog Pissperer™. Set this guy off and the room is instantly filled with confronting, fresh-baked ideas that are guaranteed to make old dogs not just piss themselves, but howl in fear and cower under couches, afraid for their jobs and futures. Good firework. Real nice. PFUT! PFUT! PFUT!”

“Erm… I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Sounds a bit mean. Are ideas supposed to be frightening?”

“Sure! Who doesn’t love fear? Really gets the blood up and makes you feel ALIVE! But I hear you and I don’t want YOU to be afraid of the potential impact of your own idea. I know, how about you set off a good ol’ NextDoor Nukeifier™? This one is a shifty little guy that gets the neighborhood all riled up. Goes off with a bang, but no one’s really sure where it came from or what it was. You know, Turn & Looks. Surefire winners. POW! POW! POW!”

“Well, I sort of want people to know that the idea came from me, or what’s the point, you know? I need the recognition for my performance review!” [nervous laugh]

“ZAP! gotcha. Open up and say Gah™ sounds more your speed. That one’s more your traditional roman candle-type Idea Firework. You set it off, it spits a spray of general merriment and wonder that makes hearts flail wildly in a display of fiery fizz. Not quite Cannes Gold Lion award, but definitely potential for a One Show pencil. I’d say Bronze if that’s your jam. Reasonably safe and will burn for a hot minute before being forgotten. Always a crowd-pleaser. I mean… it works. It just does. Results. ROI. Etc.”

“That sounds disappointing to me if I’m being honest. Bronze? Not even Silver?”

“PINGO! I feel ya, man! I tell you what, perhaps if you share your objectives I can serve you better. Let’s drill down a bit. Is there a specific situation you need this firework for?”

“I have a brainstorm on Tuesday in the actual office. Like IN PERSON! All the big muckity-mucks are gonna be there and I’m all #ZoomLife and not sure how to get back into this face-to-face thing. I sort of know what folks look like, but I have no idea how they act in a physical room ‘cause I only know them from the waist-up. Like, do they jimmy their legs? Kick? Are they flip-flop or sneaker folks? Gosh, I really need to make an impression with a real whiz-bang idea!”

“SCREECH! Word of advice: don’t say whiz-bang during your meeting if you can possibly avoid it. Works for me, but I’m a professional.”

“Of course! My apologies. I really don’t know how to exist in the world anymore, so please be patient.”

“Hey, it’s not my meeting, I’m just trying to help. Tell me, what time of day is this brainstorm? Morning? Are there donuts? NOMNOM! Is it afternoon? Will folks have had a liquid lunch perhaps?”

“Liquid lunch? This is not an episode of Mad Men. [nervous laugh] The office only just reopened, so likely a room of folks who don’t really want to be there and are looking to make decisions and leave ASAP, you know? It’s a 10 AM meeting in a room called “Magneto’s Hideaway” if that helps.”

“BLANG! The sky is clearing for me like a stiff westerly just blew in with urgent news from City Hall. All legal and above board, county-wide! I think you could go a couple of different ways here. You’ve got your Idea Fireworks in what I call the Forced Entry category. These are the ones that make folks sit up and take notice in that ‘How TF did you get into my house?!’ kinda way. You know, shock and awe ideas that surprise but garner gobsmackery at their genius point of entry. This category includes the Argy Bargy Let’s Go Margy™, the Big Bang Dang Doodle™, Hold Your Weiners™, and… umm, what else…?

“Oh, it looks like we’ve got a handful of Dunny Busters™ and some Lose Your Rights Whistlers™ left. Those are small but really pack a punch… although, I actually don’t recommend the Dunny Busters for your situation. They tend to blow shit all over the place, BAZINGA! Looks like we’re all out of You’ll Hear From My Attorney Bombs™ and Drawer Riflers™, but two crowd favorites, the Pants Pisser™, and the Subpoena Shower™ are in stock if you’d like a box of either of those? I can pencil that in right now…”

“I dunno. I mean, sounds like options galore, but I don’t want folks to feel violated by my idea. Like their rights have been tampered with. I might get in trouble.”

“So, no Forced Entry ideas. Gotcha. BLUP! Well, that leaves us with Idea Fireworks that live in the arena of potential hospitalization. I’m not sure if you’re up for the almost guaranteed personal injury that comes with these types of idea firecrackers. I mean, they’re dangerous… you might not be ready…”

“Oh, I’m ready! Tell me!”

“I dunno, I’m not really getting the sense…”

“Please, I can handle it. You didn’t think I could handle that High Horse you tried to not sell me in April, but I’ve only been lawn-darted twice off that thing and my insurance covered it both times!”

“Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were a High Horse owner! Thank you for shopping with our Outrage business partner and lucky for you today, High Horse owners always get preferential treatment here at the Magical Emporium of Fizz Hiss Boom Bang!”

“Yes!”

“Ok, so this next category of Idea Firework is what I call the Throw and Blow. These are highly explosive ideas that’ll scare the snot out of not just the audience, but often the person holding it and lighting it, too. D.A.N.G.E.R. You may lose some fingers getting it to the world and it may set you back while blazing forward, but it’s always a great idea. Got it?

“Got it”

“We’re talking Exploding Mitts Fitz™, All Riot on the Western Front™, Bang the Eardrum™, Hands-On/Hands-Off Tweakers™ (we’ve got loads of them), Attack of the Bones™, Appendages Revenge™, Extremities Delight Night™, Mangled Dangers™, and a whole pallet full of Digit Spinners™ arrived in the warehouse on Friday. Any of those light you up?”

“So these are the most dangerous ideas, correct? Like… guaranteed explosion of intense magnificence, but might not be on the right side of the desk?”

“POW! Nailed it, my friend”

“Hmmm…. I dunno. My friend told me about one called That’s Your Problem™. Do you have any of those?”

“Nah, we sold out of those the first day—very popular—and they’re more in the Buck Shifting/Dump and Run category anyway. I thought you wanted to make an impact in front of your peers?”

“Oh, I do. But I also want to be able to keep on bringing new ideas to the table, you know? The Throw and Blow sound like they’re one-and-done, out in a blaze of glory fireworks, and as I said, I’m young. Got a lot of years left in my assent up the creative mountain so need to keep ‘exploding with ideas’ as they say.”

“Stop right there, my friend. I have it. I have it in one. I’ve been saving this one for someone just like you. Someone special. Someone who knows ideas and how to present them. [LOWERS VOICE] That’s you, right?”

“It is! It is! Tell me, what is it!?”

“It’s called the Desperately Seeking Snoozin™”

[LONG SILENCE]

“That sounds kinda dull.”

“BRRRNT! No, you’ve got it all wrong. All ideas are fireworks, my friend, they just display their true colors in different ways, in different lights, to different people, at different times. The Desperately Seeking Snoozin™ is a firework that you can keep punching but never goes out. Folks who see it will always strive to have it go on and on, just a little bit longer, and a little bit longer, and a little bit longer. This is a longevity firework, with ideas that fire again and again and again. It’s a career-making firecracker. All killer, no filler. HURRAH!”

“I dunno…”

“It’s off the table.”

“What? I was just thinking...”

“Too long, you were thinking. Makes me think you don't even understand how Idea Fireworks operate. Fire and Work. It’s right there in the name. Either they work or you get fired… or you start a fire and you have to work at it? I can never remember. Either way, ideas are white-hot in the moment. They shoot up to improbable heights and explode in a shower of magic. You missed your chance here, champ. You were unwilling to open your heart to the potential of it and now it has blown away like that cloud of a smoke show that you missed. Lose this number. Do not call again. Thank you and good day.”

“But I, we’re not finished…”

“Oh, we’re definitely finished. POW! BANG! WALLOP!

“But I…

“If you are upset by how you’ve been treated here today by the Magical Emporium of Fizz Hiss Boom Bang, get on your High Horse and ride. That’s what it’s for, dummy. ZING!”

[CLICK]

Yours in tiny thought,

Janeen