Self Hate Poisoning FAQs

Self-hate comes from within. Neutralize it.

May 09, 2022

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Help! I have been poisoned with self-hate. What do I do?

In the event of self-hate poisoning—also known as self-loathing impairment or “I’m a piece of shit” ego contamination—please adhere to the guidelines below. REMEMBER: Learn to recognize the signs of self-hate poisoning and act early and swiftly when administering first aid, or any prescribed medicines, ointments, and holistic salves.

First step: Know the signs

Symptoms of self-hate poisoning include, but are not limited to, the following:

An overwhelming sense of dread, bubbling up from your insides, rising to the surface to create a prickling, invisible rash that burns with the fever of humiliation. Often accompanied by a deadening of the heart and crushing immobility that can suck you in between couch cushions like the loosest of change
Statements or thoughts expressed to the empty air, either in the room you are currently in or inside the dark and dull shame shed of your head. Statements or thoughts include:
- I’m/You’re no good at this
- Why can’t I/you do anything right?
- Why do I/you have to mess everything up?
- I’m/You’re a terrible ______ (writer, artist, singer, etc.)
- I’m/You’re an embarrassment to the craft
- I/You suck (most common)
Labored breathing, most often manifested as a sigh that seems to run long and contain all the melancholy of the earth in one exhalation
A desire to destroy relationships and withdraw your pathetic form and self from the world so no one has to deal with just how embarrassingly you suck at what you once thought you were semi-OK at
The arrival of a dark and foreboding infection that surges through your being, swelling, heating, eating, and destroying the very internals of you. This relentless infection pulls down the blinds on reason, shoves confidence in vestibules and open drawers, and seeps into all the cracks of doubt rendering the patient immobile and unable to function in any human way.

If you experience any of the above symptoms, it is highly likely that you have been poisoned from within by a self-hate entirely manufactured in the engine room of your very own brain. Lucky you!

Next steps: Get treatment, pronto

If you are sighing a lot, call in a suitable antidote.

If you are in a hole, get out of the hole. This is not as easy as it sounds—you will need an antidote.

If the self-hate poison is on your skin, remove your clothing, have a nice shower or bath, and don some of your favorite items of clothing. Once comfortable, apply your favorite antidote.

If the self-hate poison is in your eyes, blinding you from reason and pushing you further into a funk, stop looking at the thing that is troubling you—re-reading that email, rehashing that text—and flush out your eyes. Then flush out your ears with the antidote.

DO NOT wallow in the self-hate. Reach for an antidote. Do it with haste. That means immediately.

Tell me! What is the antidote to this self-hate poison?!

While an effective antidote can be anything—going to look at art for the afternoon, reading a comic book, shooting the shit with a good friend—the best and most effective antidote to a serious self-hate poisoning is the repeated playing of, and lip-syncing to, a song that will elevate the poisoned person to another plane of existence. A plane of existence where freedom and tranquility reign and are busily tootling about in an I’M AWESOME buggy and waving you to GET ONBOARD!

It is recommended that the song be played at least ten times in a row with ample volume and much love. Do not be afraid to repeat specific sections within the song. The more the song is played, the more effective the medicinal outcome on the internal poison within the patient.

Can the song be melancholic—aka sad AF—you ask? The worry here is that a sad song will dig the patient deeper, but some studies have shown that sad songs can also have the opposite effect, at first driving the patient into a deeper funk before taking them through all stages of grief, emotion, and general processing of the feelings. But know this is a risky move. Sad can be bad (but also quite good1) With that in mind…

The best antidote for a severe case of self-hate poison is Beck’s 1999 classic, “Debra”, from the criminally overlooked—and currently lip-poutingly overpriced on Discogs—killer album Midnite Vultures.

Administering the antidote

The narrator in the song “Debra” is a shining example of the kind of confidence and swagger needed to bring yourself back to a level-set of, “Yeah, OK. I’m not that bad. I’ve still got it.” The goal is NOT to create an ego monster. It’s just to elevate your mood and make you feel like sheer charisma shoots from your eyes like lasers, and you are covered anew in a fine sheen of, “You’re ok, I’m OK, we’re OK, we’re fine. Now, let’s get back to work.”

This is how you seduce your poison and flush it from your system. Slow jam, people. Slow jam is the way!

Location, location, location: Find a good place to listen to “Debra.” In the car is fine if you need to, but in the living room with the shades drawn so your neighbors don’t see how next-level you are is ideal. Can you do this at your desk while working? Most definitely—but only if you’re working from home. If you are in an open-plan office, you are advised to go for a walk with headphones to find a secure and emotionally safe location. Like a park. A lovely park. Sit under a tree. Trees are nice.
Crank up the volume. As the song begins to inject itself into your veins, feel free to figure out body movements that align with this rhythm. Is that dancing? Hmmm, not yet. You’re still under the influence of the self-hate poison so dancing probably isn’t on the cards for this first shot of the antidote. Perhaps give it a few plays to let it sink in, and aim for gentle head bobs and shoulder movements. If you are listening while seated and feel the urge to kick at the air, note that this is best achieved while standing, so get up should the need arise.
Find a lyrics sheet. Unless you already know all the words—and almost every line is a banger—have the lyrics in front of you for easy reference. To kick things off, the first line is: “I met you at JC Penneys.” Remember: the more you repeat this song in your antidote session, the less you will need to refer to the lyric sheet.
Be the baller. Imagine the kind of confidence this chap in the song has and channel it. Think about it. It’s not just to cold-step to Jenny, but the dude’s got the sheer hutzpah to say he wants to get with this girl AND her sister. It’s admirable. Aim high! By the time you arrive at this line, “Lady, step inside my Hyundai” if you’re able to make that Hyundai sound like a Benz, the antidote is working.
Slither. Hone the tone of your facial expressions as you let this song consume the poison from within. Sly, cheeky, brave. Craft your body movements—particularly gestures—to flow with an energy that cannot be contained. Feel it neutralize the bad vibes. Visualize Jenny. Hit those high notes, whether you are lip-syncing or doing it for real.
Swap the auditory injection method if necessary. At around the 7th playing in a row of Debra, you will realize the volume has crept up to a level of neighborhood irritation. Now might be a good time to close the windows, if it’s not too late already. If you are listening through headphones already, you’re in the clear, but if not now might be the time to swap over to the cans and play it a few more times. Don’t blow your eardrums out.
Persist until cured. Do not stop playing this song until you feel better. Continue dosing throughout the following days, as needed.

Debra did not work. What should I do?

While “Debra” will work 95% of the time in all self-hate poisoning cases, there are exceptions. Sometimes the self-hate is a particularly strong variant that doesn’t respond to the silliness and sheer braggadocio of Beck’s seductive masterpiece. This is a matter of suck it and see. If it’s not this song, you need to find an antidote that works well for you. Today may very well be “Debra”, but tomorrow may need to be something else entirely. Explore your options, and if you have a great self-hate antidote, share it with the class.

How to prevent self-hate poisoning

Newsflash: you can’t. If you’re putting stuff out there you will experience bouts of self-hate poisoning. Just use the above as a guide on how to deal with it when it comes. You don’t need to give up, you don’t need to check out, and you sure as hell don’t need to hate yourself forever.

Work through, move on, get inside that Hyundai!

Or to put it another way: If you know you’re susceptible to Poison Oak, you don’t have to stay out of the forest, but always have the Tencu ready.

Yours in tiny thought,

Janeen

This week’s amends…

"We all of us have limited amounts of energy, and I am sure the people who are successful have learned, either by instinct or consciously, to use their energies well instead of spilling them about. And this has to be different for every person, writers or otherwise. I know writers who go to parties every night and then, recharged instead of depleted, happily write all day. But if I stay up half the night talking, I don’t do so well the next day. Some writers like to start work as soon as they can in the morning, while others like the night or—for me almost impossible—the afternoons. Trial and error, and then when you’ve found your needs, what feeds you, what is your instinctive rhythm and routine, then cherish it."
- Doris Lessing from the book “Walking in the Shade”

Via James Clear newsletter