"Hello, I'm the sea otter who stole your surfboard"
Is local celebrity, Sea Otter 841, a menace or simply looking for a missed connection?
Don’t like to read? Please allow me to read it to you here
SF Bay Area > Santa Cruz > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard (and I also bit that doomsday fish)
You: Didn’t take me seriously when I put my furry paw on your surfboard
Me: I bit your Wavestorm out of spite
The look on your face! Yes, I bit right into that piece of trash. Guess what? I also bit that oarfish thing you probably saw in the news recently. I bring this up because the lamestream media rudely implied that sharks did that, and while sharks were involved they were acting on my orders. Yes, I was the bite-that-weird-thing mastermind!
I am a world-class biter and it was I who came up with the plan, but did I get one mention in that story? No. So I bit your surfboard and then stole it right out from under you. I was just so frustrated that those sharks—those slack-jawed John Wick wannabes—got all the credit for my plan. What choice did I have but to sink teeth into a cheap foamy to finally get my sweet face on the tele?
I just wanted someone to notice me!
Alas, I have a taste for it now. The biting thing, I mean. You might wanna tell all your kook friends that from this day forth until the hour I am captured by those ham-handed Monterey Bay Aquarium thugs, Steamer Lane is OFF LIMITS!
Surfboards, kayaks, Stand-Up-Paddledorks, I don’t care. I am the biting board-jacker. I will jack more boards.
Anyway. Hit me up if you wanna connect!
Do NOT contact this poster with unsolicited services or offers
SF Bay Area > San Jose > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and I collect and catalog Wavestorms
When I saw your Wavestorm, my first thought was “Ah, the 8ft Classic.” Jamaican flavor. Jah-mon. But then I became concerned that your leash may have been loose and I just wanted to come to check it for you. Once I got closer, I figured one can never have too many Wavestorms in one’s collection, so I attempted to filch it from you. Ya dig?
I can’t explain my obsession with Wavestorms. It makes absolutely no sense. Perhaps it is their alluring stripes? Perhaps their budget-friendly demeanor, so perfectly aligned with kook aspirations? I can only shrug my adorable shoulders, wriggle my cute nose, and say: “I do not know but I cannot resist them.”
Ever since Costco stopped stocking them, I have been attempting to acquire as many as I can. (Truth bomb: I’m kind of OK with Costco dropping them. The last time I was in there the Upgrade to Business Membership spiel at the register was kinda full-on.)
But you? Come on, it was so easy to take your Wavestorm away! Your puny little human hands were useless to defend against me. My hands are weapons. I can crack a crab on my stomach with a rock while floating on my back. Far superior. I am a keystone species, you know!?
I’d be ever so grateful if you’d tell all your friends to get Wavestorms and drop by Steamer Lane, so I can do some high-sea commandeering for kicks and get my Captain on. As long as you and your kook crew keep feeding the ocean Wavestorms, I will keep ganking them off you. This is the law of the sea.
Hope to see you again! In case you didn’t get it, my number is 841.
It is NOT ok to contact this poster with unsolicited offers and junk
SF Bay Area > Capitola > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and I took too much Ozempic
You: Floating in Steamer Lane, minding your own bizas.
Me: Just trying to help so you don’t make the same mistake I did.
Don’t do it. I tried to use facial expressions, paw aggression, and attention-getting bites as a way to caution you that if you are considering the Ozempic shortcut, don’t do it. If you have no blubber to lose, it’s not worth it. I have no blubber. All weight loss I have experienced has been purely muscle. You probably saw how my fur moved around like a burlap sack filled with emaciated snakes when I approached you. Gross, right?
The side effects have been brutal! The weird thing is I have no appetite so I dunno why I keep biting surfboards. I’d say it’s just muscle memory, but as I explained, Ozempic stole all my muscle so it can’t be that.
Anyway, this is just to say sorry. My deepest deep-sea apologies. Despite feeling full all the time, you should know that I am feeling pretty empty inside and that makes me a little bitey.
It’s not you, it’s me. I just wanted you to know. You can find your surfboard on the rocks, just like my weight loss journey.
Contacting this poster with some unsolicited whatever is bogus and NOT ok
SF Bay Area > Santa Cruz > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and I accidentally joined Threads without realizing I wouldn’t be able to delete it without deleting Instagram
Can someone help? Just casting a save my socials net. I would hate to lose my library of wicked shellfish ‘grams.
Contacting this poster with the personal number of Zuck is welcomed
SF Bay Area > Santa Cruz > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and I wrote you this poem
My heart has been expertly pierced
By Neptune’s long love trident
Sharp, salty, and free, we raft as oceanic lovers
Storing memories in our handbag-like armpits
The taste of love’s last foamy bite receding
The endless Wavestorm, wa-powing the lip
We crack our mollusks in anticipation
Of the police report you have yet to file.
This poster is OK with a book deal
SF Bay Area > Santa Cruz > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and I would like to join your pickleball league
It is NOT ok to point out that this poster would perhaps enjoy a water polo league more
SF Bay Area > Santa Cruz > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and please rate my office fit
You looked at me. Directly. My fur cannot have escaped your notice. It is double-layered, unsullied by a blubber underlay, waterproof, and dapper AF. It’s basically a natural wetsuit and unlike yours that day we met, I don’t have to pee in mine to keep warm. All natural. Soft on the inside, hardy on the out. Perfectly accentuated by my glassy eyes and glossy nose. It’s hard to pull off ocean chic without looking like a total kelp, but my long and slender body was the perfect hanger for this fur and I just want you to take a moment to recognize that even as you were yelling at me to stop stealing your board and making all my bitey faces, you thought I looked fit enough to crack a crab or two with you.
Poster is OK with solicitations
SF Bay Area > Rio Del Mar > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and I am NOT a nepo baby
Y’all think that I got this fame because of my mother? Just because she got too used to humans and would harass them too? Nuh-uh. This ocean weasel here acquired these skills all by myself, and on my own time and dime. I worked hard and my tricks are all my own sweet tricks and not hers. This pup wasn’t born with a silver Wavestorm in her mouth. If you think that, you’ve straight up got spraint1 for brains. Check yourself. I am not an industry plant. I am legit, 100%, the real deal. Do you think I’d be on missed connections if I HAD connections?
Think about it.
Poster is OK with partnership inquiries
SF Bay Area > Aptos > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and today I am announcing the launch of my new Vodka brand, Spraint
It is very piquant, which is a word I just learned. I don’t even know if I’m pronouncing it right. Buoyant aftertaste. Strong dung notes. It will be available exclusively at all Bay Area bars, (dive bars, obviously) starting with Brady’s Yacht Club in Santa Cruz. Next time you’re in the lineup, spread the word.
It is OK to contact this poster to suggest additional dive bars
SF Bay Area > Santa Cruz > All Personals > Missed Connections
Hello, I’m the Sea Otter who stole your surfboard and “Attenzione pickpocket!”
Pickpockeeeet! I will not be taking questions. Thank you.
Poster is NOT ok.
Yours in tiny thought,
Janeen
This week’s amends…
“This job is empathy,” he says. “People don’t give a f**k what happened to you, they care about what happened to you that also happened to them.”- Steve Earle, about the job of a songwriter
Taken from this excellent article on Lucinda Williams. It’s the second time I’ve pulled a gem from it. Good read.
On Rotation: “Editions of You” by Roxy Music
A couple of photos from the book “Locals Only: 30 Posters: California Skateboarding 1975-1978”. Hollywood skate scene in the 70s. Here’s an interview with the photographer, Hugh Holland, which includes more great images from it. This style brings me joy.
Via Storythings
Himesh Pater reads a rejection letter to a college rejection letter.
Via Storythings
Shameless Podcast Plug
Listen to audio versions of early issues of The Stream on my podcast, Field of Streams, available on 👉 all major podcasting platforms 👈
Here’s Apple
Spraint is, quite charmingly, otter dung.