Introduction to Squirrel Math: Art is Nuts
Collect nuts, make nuts, be a little nuts - welcome to Squirrel Math
Don’t like reading? Allow me to read it to you 👈
Students, *squirrel bark sound* welcome to Introduction to Squirrel Math, Semester 1, Art is Nuts.
Over the next semester, you will learn the basics of the mathematics of the Sciuridae family. Primarily that art is nuts and that to make art you must collect nuts and be also, a little bit, kinda, nutty.
Completion of this course is essential and mandatory for anyone attempting to obtain the Bachelor of Arts in Nut Butters. Successful graduates can look forward to a long career in the rich—but mostly poor—fields of creativity. At the end of this course, you will be highly studied in the ways of collecting and absorbing the many and varied protein sources of life, aka Nuts, which are essential to making art.
Please note: Your grade will be based entirely on the nuts you have collected by the end of this course, with nuts being equal to, but not greater or less than, units of inspiration and art creation.
Bearing in mind that squirrels typically do not find 80% of the nuts that they hide, a passing grade is 20%.
This is the first lesson in Squirrel Math.
In the words of our esteemed Dean:
“Collect inspiration as the squirrel collects the nut. Freely and with disturbingly jumpy enthusiasm.”
Let us begin your education.
Today, our syllabus begins with a story. It is not a parable. It is a carry-able, since the portage and haulage of the squirrel’s bounty—nuts—is an essential component of Squirrel Math.
Add to the many. Carry the one.
How many nuts can a squirrel carry? While you may seek a numerical value, that number depends on the quality of their teeth. Squirrels have four teeth which they use to gnaw and bite and chew. And carry a nut or two.
Calculus deposits notwithstanding, these four teeth continue to grow for the entire time that they are affixed within a squirrel’s jaw. Squirrels also have tiny hands which work in lockstep at times, with the teeth. It is a complex and advanced subject. What I’m saying is that we’ll cover that in greater depth later in the semester.
Once upon a time, there was a squirrel.
This squirrel’s name is Roy “Nuts” Ballinger. Nuts because he likes nuts and also because this squirrel, Roy, makes art. Making art is a nuts thing to do. A fact that—in the great grand sum of life—doesn’t matter to Roy. Not a fraction of one little bit.
He is not called Roy “Nuts” Ballinger for “nutt-in”. That’s a nut joke.
While Roy is his real name, Ballinger is not. Roy made that up for artistic purposes as a way to inspire others. To him, Ballinger sounds like the kind of name a squirrel who lives on the grounds of a great estate while aspiring to live in the main house, would have. Because, by Roy’s calculation, there’s more room for art there. In the main house.
I bring this up, because aspiration is a component of Squirrel Math. You aspire to results. You yearn to progress and work things out in order to solve the great grand mystery of life, which can be seen, metaphorically, as ‘making it to the main house.”
You may spend an entire lifetime on the grounds. You may never make it to the main house. That’s ok. The grounds are a great place to be for working things out and many great lives have been lived on the grounds, collecting nuts, and surviving.
It should be noted that squirrels do not typically have surnames. This is a construct for legitimacy in the Art world. Just like Squirrel Math. And art. And noble artist squirrels. Everything is a construct!
It all adds up.
Roy “Nuts” Ballinger is on the grounds. Roy works a constant. This constant does not change. There are many variables, but the constant is the thing.
Roy constantly squirrels away his art inspiration nuts—seen here on the X-axis. As more inspiration nuts—known colloquially as InspoNuts—are collected via visits to art galleries, meetings of inspirational people, reading of books, watching good and bad films, etc., the production of Roy’s own art and general skill level and artistic ability over time increases.
As seen here, on the Y-axis.
The eventual and desired end point of this line—the zenith if you like—is termed the “Retirement Summer” or “All the Nuts!” Note that dips here, along the line, simply reflect things like rejection, loss of funds, creative blocks, bad reviews, ran out of paint, etc.
If this chart makes no sense to you, or seems to defy the logic of human math, consider this to be your second lesson. Or is that the third by now? Doesn’t matter. Squirrel Math often zig zags all over the place and makes no sense. Confusion, indecision, and erratic action is a cornerstone of Squirrel Math.
Bad math is defined as roadkill, the avoidance of which is covered extensively in the second semester as an elective addition to the established syllabus. It is considered an elective, due to risk taking being an essential component of Squirrel Math and so the avoidance of the risk of getting the sum wrong is not encouraged.
Back to Roy.
As Roy absorbs the proteins of the InspoNuts he collects over time, Roy produces nuts of his own, colloquially known as NotsoNuts. His dream is that one day, these nuts will also be collected by other nuts as InspoNuts.
The circumference of this circle of life nut is calculable, once you crack the shell of it. This is reinforced after death by biopics and documentary projects with Roy to be played by the most valuable actor of the day as judged by a jury of peers and the internet at large.
Roy stores all nuts together in =SUMplace. These are Roy’s mixed nuts and variables, which are used to make more art. The influence of InspoNuts on Roy’s NotsoNuts, is INCALCULABLE. There is no symbol for this.
Roy’s =SUMplace is located at a wide variety of visible and secret locations, including notebooks, hollow mind stumps, and random junk drawers, just to name a few.
Retrieval of nuts from =SUMplace can be simple. Or very difficult. Or lost forever to be found by time or someone else at a later date in space thus creating a kind of Möbius loop of creativity which can be quite pretty. Or ugly.
Art sure is squirrely, isn’t it?
No need to get salty about it.
I remind you that we are dealing in remainders, fractions, and leftovers in the =SUMplace. This sounds negative, but the result is positive. Better out than in.
Roy calculates that once he is dead, retired, or idolized, a sweet, sweet documentary can be made from this =SUMplace material, and while it is not the reason for squirreling nuts away—as mentioned, Roy’s own art can be made from articles found in the =SUMplace—he does so anyway.
All collection is working the constant.
The results are considered expressions.
Roy does not squirrel money away. Because he doesn’t have any. All the Squirrel Mathematics textbooks say that financial reward might never come from anything he ever creates as art, and if it DOES come, the formula for its success will be unknowable and unrepeatable.
This is what’s known in Squirrel Math as Irrational Logic.
Money obtained—should it be obtained—will be used to purchase more art supplies, such as notebooks and paintbrushes and printer ink.
And ramen.
This is the norm.
Like most squirrel mathematicians, Roy is a polymath, collecting, consuming, and creating all kinds of nuts. All the tastes. All the flavors.
The mathematical meter and metrics of poetry is especially prevalent in Squirrel Math. The poetry of words. The poetry of paint. The poetry of music. The poetry of moving a small rodent body and contorting and cavorting across the roadways of public opinion with a nut in one’s jaws calculating, as one does, the many stanzas of existence between nearside and far side and the resultant success or failure as one is emotionlessly mown down by the vehicles of critique that can so effortlessly launch or end a dream.
Let us now watch footage of Roy negotiating his way through a comment field of people who have never made anything.
See there? The movement required to calculate the poetry needed to get to various fields of art split by these roadways of pointless commentary is known as Zig on the Y and Zag on the X. Some say this is a variant of string theory, tying physics, mathematics, and vowel sounds together in a funky bow that when pulled too aggressively becomes a knot. Either way, the point is that the string is INTERTWINED and very messy.
All squirrels specialize in the Zig and Zag. Squirrel Math has consequences. It gives results. Always.
Some notes to note.
The array is scattered.
No number is finite.
A fun equation: [InspoNut(s) + Motivation ÷ Sleep] x Skill = 1 NotsoNut
Roy is Roy. But Roy “Nuts” Ballinger is also you. He is me. He is all of us. But mostly he is Roy, and we will get to know him very well over the next sixteen weeks. I will now end today’s lesson by reading to you a quote from Roy’s upcoming memoir, “Nuts Over D=EZY” available for pre-order in the University bookstore.
Quote:
“I will not find 80% of the nuts I hide,” he says. “This statistic does not bother me for statistics are malleable and considered the weakest tangent of all Squirrel Math pursuits.”
He continues.
“I make art. I collect nuts. Some say I am nuts for making art. This may be so. But.
“The collection of nuts—the joy of nuts—has been the joy of my life. The creation of new nuts—my NotsoNuts—will be buried to grow more nuts for future generations to collect and be inspired by and that is worth its weight in nut meat to me.”
“It is worth the calculated risks of exposure and critique. Worth the minuses and the divisions. Worth the statistical failure rates because the statistical anomalies of Squirrel Math—again, statistics cannot be counted upon—dictate that in the pursuit of the nut is held the butter of life and that THAT butter is oily and rich and chunky and smooth and filled with the protein of love and hope and all the joy that makes tails stand on end and hearts fly from tree branch to tree branch.”
“Nuts are worth it,” he says.
“Art is worth it.”
“And through it all—the collecting, the storing, the making and the sharing, the anaphylactic shocks and throat itches—I have discovered the answer to the greatest question of all. I have discovered what I am worth. And that is everything.”
End quote.
Students. Roy is an enigma; I think we can all agree. So let me just add a very simple bit of Squirrel Math before we adjourn.
Mix your aspiring artist ego in the following ratio: two parts Humility turpentine to one part I-am-the-Shiznit polish. This small dilution of ego allows for NotsoNuts that will endure the test of time and not crack under pressure.
And on that note, I will see you nutters next week.
Go behind the scenes and see inspirations for this post👇
This week’s amends…
“If at eighty you’re not a cripple or an invalid, if you have your health, if you still enjoy a good walk, a good meal (with all the trimmings), if you can sleep without first taking a pill, if birds and flowers, mountains and sea still inspire you, you are a most fortunate individual and you should get down on your knees morning and night and thank the good Lord for his savin’ and keepin’ power. If you are young in years but already weary in spirit, already on the way to becoming an automaton, it may do you good to say to your boss — under your breath, of course — “Fuck you, Jack! You don’t own me!” … If you can fall in love again and again, if you can forgive your parents for the crime of bringing you into the world, if you are content to get nowhere, just take each day as it comes, if you can forgive as well as forget, if you can keep from growing sour, surly, bitter and cynical, man you’ve got it half licked.”
-by Henry Miller
Via The Marginalian
On Rotation: “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes - Alternate Unreleased Version” by Paul Simon.
Flashback memories of me unfolding the long strip of paper inside the cassette case to read the lyrics of this song - the whole album, really. This teen could not believe it. This version is lovely.
Do you ever wonder what happened to the bus (Priscilla) from “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?” Wonder no more.
“It’s survived flood, fires, 16 years out in the open, […] but the film is all about survival – and somehow, the bus survived.”
Go read about the search for and triumphant finding of it, here 👈
In reality, Priscilla is a 1976 Japanese model Hino RC320. It was owned by Sydney company Boronia Tours before it was sold to a couple who leased the bus to Latent Images, the film’s production company, for the duration of the shoot in September and October 1993. Afterwards, the couple hired it out occasionally, including to the Australian band the Whitlams, who used it as a tour bus for six months in 1994.
But after that, Priscilla vanished without a trace.
The Whitlams! Now I’m digging out my The Whitlams CD…, which means you also get a bonus song this week.
And if you’ve never seen the movie in question, here’s the trailer. It won the 1994 Academy Award for Best Costume Design for good reason. Silver flowing radness on top of that bus in the outback—iconic. One of many icons in the film.
Via Neatorama
Well. You don’t see that every day.
Via BoingBoing
Shameless Podcast Plug
Listen to audio versions of early issues of The Stream on my podcast, Field of Streams, available on 👉 all major podcasting platforms 👈
Here’s Apple