Raccoons Under the Influence
Everyone's jumping on the influencer bandwagon these days.
Don’t like reading? Allow me to read it to you 👈
To: Head High-Leg Thing
Subject: Raccoons Under the Influence
Greetings, high-leg thing with poorly secured foodstuffs.
We, the great and mighty defilers from the seventh dimension of the underclass, would like to get in on some of this influencer action we see rippling through the socially rent garments of your collective consciousness.
This concerns you, to whom. Chiiiiirp! Read on if you want to live. I will keep it light and amiable, just like raccoons!
We do not know what you manufacture in your private chambers, nor do we much care. But we, as intelligent—highly intelligent, like off the charts immeasurable and why don’t you leave out more boardgames at your campsites, we love the giant Jenga! in particular, intelligent—creatures, believe we can effortlessly help you sling that sweet merch for profit and fame.
I am Lotor, twelfth of his name in this quadrant, Supreme Dumpster Diver of the realm.
These are our demands.
You will sponsor us as brand ambassadors for your high-leg-brand-thing trivialities and whatnots, whatever it or they may be.
You are stupid. If you don’t.
As you have noted in your many spyings (we see you) we are constantly washing—or making the action of washing with our hands—food and things we like to chew and swallow. Even when there is no water, we do the wash. WE ARE GREAT ACTORS! This is our thing and we are the best at it by far. This action is natural to us and we would like to, as a species, lean into our proclivities and make some cabbage rather than eating it, for once.
I believe, as do my many stealthy comrades, that if paired with the correct product, this washing motion habit could really aid in the highlighting and display of your doohickey and high-leg thing invention. Whatever that may be. Bubbly suds, scrubbing implements, laundry detergents. Perhaps you make colorful dish sponges that show support for your high-leg wars or environmental concerns? We can help promote them with a “Wash your conscience clean” play! Our grinning, trustworthy faces married with our hand washing motion will lead to clicks, likes, and the use of many purchase codes.
It’s money in your bank! Sponsor us.
We can also play our washing habit for comic effect if this pleases you. I believe it will function well on TikTok and in Reels and could easily be accompanied by the “my money don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds” song, or even that “oh-no” one if we’re aiming to get some yuks. Do you make douche products? Am I using that term correctly?
This is a great marketing opportunity for you, and you will be honored when we raccoons rep your meager and underperforming brand.
More high-leg eyes on your who-needs-that prize!
More shares for your wares!
Seriously, the opportunities are endless and if there is one thing we know about, it’s opportunity. Ever leave your cooler out at a campsite? You get it.
My sister, Magis, is the self-appointed Queen of the Trash Pandas. She has followers—not just animal control, haha!—and has recently started a very popular Only Fans. Hiiiss Queen! There is not one amongst us who looks more regal, more stately, more pure fire than Magis when perched upon a trashcan edge looking back at you in a threatening manner.
I say this to you in the hope that you are a manufacturer of garbage products. I have no doubt they are garbage, but I mean actual garbage products such as cans, pails, bins, and products of that ilk. You were not expecting me to use the word ilk, but high-leg things consistently underestimate me. I have an enormous vocabulary. Tremendous. It’s pretty dope, actually. I would go so far as to say it is irrefudidateable. Misunderestimate me at your peril!
I see many celebrity high-leg things putting wet masks on their faces for hours in their sponsored (fake, highly edited) content. We have no need for your masks as they are low class—the lowest—and do nothing for our complexions. Our complexions are kept plush aided by the constant swill of garbage juices as we go about our day on the streets and boulevards of your high-leg thing world. This is our strength!
Anyway, I bring this up because masks are our particular area of expertise. My cousin, Klepto, has one of the finest masks in the forest. Every time he comes into town aka nightly, he is MOBBED for autographs because of it. Since you are now trying to shift your new ring light for the perfect ZOOM meeting, you should make it your priority to talk to me as I am his agent.
I don’t know what ZOOM is exactly, but did you know that OUR masks are actually anti-glare devices? I put it to you that Klepto, when featured in a campaign for your light, will be able to keep his eyes so wide, clear, and squint-free that you will see the perfect circle of your dumb ring light reflected in his eyes. This will lead to more clicks, plus hashtagging with #CuteOfTheDay or #TimelineCleanser. It will be bookmarked and saved to collections within seconds of viewing, with many friend-get-friend and non-abandoned baskets in the funnel.
To reiterate: you are a fool to ignore this opportunity!
We hear great things. Many great and mind-blowing things to explode the minds of high-leg things but not ours. We hear that splooting is the new craze and are somewhat miffed that squirrels, opossums, skunks, and other verminfluencers1 are hogging the limelight. We are smart. They are not. A raccoon sploot is the highest form of the art and I predict many shares when we take selfies doing this. It will go viral.
Fun fact: We are the second most reported rabid wildlife species after bats, and the words distemper, roundworm, and Leptospirosis are often found in the vicinity of our name. Viral is our bread and butter. We could perhaps do a flash-sploot as a group wearing your latest charity footwear? Just spitballing here—I have many ideas to bring to your picnic table!
Have I mentioned our magnificent hands yet? Engineered by our God, Robert, we have hands that make opening jars and packets a cinch. This is due to our five toes. Yes, you read that correctly. We skipped the fingers altogether. At least, I read that on the internet as I have never thought too much about it, busy as I am flipping lids on your bear-proof Yetis to better access your poorly stashed Lunchables.
We can easily open cans, sachets, lids, and the hearts of your audience to bring great attention to your wares. We can also operate slippery doorknobs and can work with your set designer to align with the vision on how we could shoot this. I will let you know the budget.
We have great reach. Our reach is truly marvelous. While our health is exemplary, we will prepare and drink your green sludge if it will help secure this deal, and are happy to exercise our toes, hands, and reach to achieve ROI on your goop.
In closing the lid on this matter, my esteemed trashmates and I look forward to your thoughts. Please leave your reply at the dumpster at the back of the Tubby’s Cowboy Vittles restaurant on Watson Street next Tuesday night.
Our response when it comes will be swift, noisy, and annoying.
Yours
Lotor
PS: Klepto says I should mention we have special feet that rotate 180 degrees. Bet your high legs don’t do that unless provoked by faulty bindings!
PPS: I recently acquired my Remote Pilot Certificate from the FAA. Drone footy for da boys is assured!
This week’s amends…
1. Always take the initiative.
2. There is nothing wrong with spending a night in jail if it means getting the shot you need.
3. Send out all your dogs and one might return with prey.
4. Never wallow in your troubles; despair must be kept private and brief.
5. Learn to live with your mistakes.
6. Expand your knowledge and understanding of music and literature, old and modern.
7. That roll of unexposed celluloid you have in your hand might be the last in existence, so do something impressive with it.
8. There is never an excuse not to finish a film.
9. Carry bolt cutters everywhere.
10. Thwart institutional cowardice.
11. Ask for forgiveness, not permission.
12. Take your fate into your own hands.
13. Learn to read the inner essence of a landscape.
14. Ignite the fire within and explore unknown territory.
15. Walk straight ahead, never detour.
16. Manoeuvre and mislead, but always deliver.
17. Don't be fearful of rejection.
18. Develop your own voice.
19. Day one is the point of no return.
20. A badge of honor is to fail a film theory class.
21. Chance is the lifeblood of cinema.
22. Guerrilla tactics are best.
23. Take revenge if need be.
24. Get used to the bear behind you.- Werner Herzog
From Werner Herzog - A Guide for the Perplexed
On Rotation: “Trashcan” by Delta Spirit
Office Space is a classic, and this story is gold.
Via John Freeborn’s Weekly Design Links
Speaking of nightmare work situations…
Via Boing Boing
A term I read on this here thing, the internet