Creative Flight: A Guide for Art Aviators
How to pilot your creative plane (and survive every crash)
Glorious Art Aviator!
Congratulations upon purchasing your new (or gently used) creative pursuit aircraft. We are thrilled and elated to welcome you to the Partum Artem 2B family, and promise you many years of flawless flight, providing your definition of flawless is somewhat in line with ours.
You are no doubt excited to get up in the air and drop straight into a Stall Turn, but to ease you into the cockpit of this prestigious aircraft more effectively, we have compiled this handy guide to hip you to the unique quirks, foibles, and shenanigans of this fine aeronautical marvel.
While a license is not required to operate your new aircraft, those who have at least watched a few movies with in-flight footage of pilots operating controls, or ones that show emergency procedures (not including ejection as we never abandon a creative pursuit in the Partum Artem 2B!), will find mastering the skills needed to command and control the plane very intuitive.
This guide is broken into seven highly skimmable sections for your convenience, covering what we consider to be the basics of operation for your new (or gently used) creative pursuits aircraft. While we don’t urge you to read any of the voluminous manuals that are included with the Partum Artem 2B—they are more suited to the H-minded people who like hard facts about the mechanical and aeronautical intricacies of machines—it is recommended that you consume this one before taking command of your cockpit.
Flying blind is no easy feat, but we think you are up to the task.
We look forward to seeing you in the air, [insert callsign here—see choosing a callsign name materials for more].
Section 1: Taxiing and Takeoffs and How to Survive Your First Crash
Preparing for your first departure can be a daunting experience. Did you pack enough underwear? Will your carry-on fit in the overhead? Never fear! You are the pilot and stuffing a too-big bag into a too-small compartment will not enter your day. You do not need to fit—you are an Art Aviator!
It goes without saying that you will taxi like a boss in the Partum Artem 2B. While this aircraft excels in the air, it is equally adept at taking tight turns and executing unexpected directional changes while on the ground.
You may request a runway for departure, or simply choose one at random. If you feel ready to take off with your project, there is only one way to find out—and that is in full and confident control of the Partum Artem 2B. If you hear chatter in your headset directing you to a specific runway, know that it means that the runway is clear and if you want to have an obstruction-free takeoff, that’s probably the one you want. Yeah, you should listen to the chatter and go for that one.
Taxiing is like driving your car, but with the widest side mirrors you’ve ever seen except you can’t adjust your wings and objects are as close as they appear. Just sayin’.
You may be required to cross other runways to get to your runway and be instructed to hold short, waiting for departure. If you are instructed to hold, this is the perfect time to check and make sure you have scheduled your social media announcing your creative takeoff. You will not have time while in the air with your latest creative gamble—there’ll be time enough for likin’ when the flyin’s done.
As you crash at the end of the runway, assume the brace position, and only after you come to a complete stop, note the number of runway lights you take out in your crash. We’re not sure what the record is, but goals are goals, and any documentation you can make of it will increase your reach.
Fun fact: “Increase Your Reach (for the Skies)” is the tagline for the Partum Artem 2B.
Section 2: Telemetry, Doohickeys and Dials and How to Survive Your Second Crash
We may have these chapters in the wrong order, so before we forget, let’s have a word about telemetry and things that go BEEP, and the basic layout of the cockpit in the Partum Artem 2B.
If you are sitting facing forward with windows in front, you are facing the right way to pilot the aircraft. Good instincts! Now, a word on telemetry. It is a word, and we don’t think it’s important right now. There are a lot of numbers and some things in here actually go PING!, sometimes at random times, which can be nice. The PING! noises are the good ones. The BUZZ! noises, not so much.
Try to avoid the BUZZ! sounds.
Familiarizing yourself with the instrument panel is simple. Sit in a relaxed position in your pilot’s chair with your headset on. Wear a hat if that makes you feel more pro. A flight helmet might be a little too much, but if you’ve spent money to get your callsign put on one, go nuts.
If Go Nuts is your callsign, good one!
As you rest your hands gently on the yoke—which is how you will control your pitch and roll, but you know this already. You know how to fly! Not sure why we even put that sentence in—glance at the instrument panel before you.
That’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?! A bit overwhelming! What do all those numbers mean? What does that button do?! Calm down. These are just numbers and guides to ease your path. Tap your finger on the glass. Did the needle twitch? Confirmation. You are good to go. Start your engines and see you on the ground!
Your second crash will be a lot smoother than the first, so as you go to deploy your landing gear, and one of those things on the instrument panel flashes red and there is a loud BUZZ! sound to indicate that your landing gear has not been deployed and that this creative project is going to experience some severe feedback upon reception by the ground, note the warning.
There is a good chance you will need to fill out a report.
Section 3: Buzzing the Tower and How to Survive Your Third Crash
The tower is like the Eye of Sauron at the center of Middle Earth’s main airport. It sees all, sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t buzz it.
The low-fly pass is considered by aviators to be a no-no and bad form and something that only happens in movies. But since your entire knowledge of flying is based on gut instinct and intuition and half-remembered things you’ve seen in film, you must take chances to get more eyes on your skills. This will increase the odds that your creative pursuit in the Partum Artem 2B will be a box office smash.
This aircraft is designed specifically for completing daring challenges and pissing off people with clipboards and manifests. You must pass very closely to all towers in all airports. You must attempt to make eye contact with at least one person in the tower. If you receive unpleasant feedback as you do this, consider getting on the comms and asking: “Is my landing gear down? Just checking.”
This is what’s known in creative aviation circles as “covering your arse.”
As you are coming in too hot after passing the tower and on somewhat of a BUZZ! yourself, prepare to smash your box office winner awkwardly on top of the ground. If you observe fire engines gathering, it is common to be concerned that you may be grounded after this, or have your license revoked. This is why we recommend you don’t get one.
You will never ‘lose your wings’ in the Partum Artem 2B aircraft—this is our promise to you.
Section 4: Fields, Freeways, and Golf Courses and How to Survive Your Fourth Crash
The landing gear on your Partum Artem 2B aircraft is designed to deposit you gently to earth as a feather to a pillow, and while landing at an actual airport is preferred—more foot traffic to see your flight skills, less grief about upsetting peak hour traffic—you can also land wherever the hell you want. It’s your creative aircraft, your vision is your vision, and if your vision is low, you must land where you must land.
Choose a flat field if you can (corn is always fun), pick a highway with no one on it (like in that Dylan song), and if you must choose a golf course, the 9th fairway is a good choice, based on averages and bunker placements.
If a fire breaks out upon landing—rage or actual—use the extinguisher found under your seat. Like bear spray, it works on people too, and if a critic is all up in your nose cone telling you “You can’t land here, you’re an eyesore!” whip off some quick quip like “You want sore eyes, I’ll give you sore eyes,” and give a good squirt from the extinguisher’s nozzle.
If there is actual fire in your cockpit, put it out. And congratulations on surviving your fourth crash. That’s some Harrison Ford/Indiana Jones-level shit right there.
Section 5: Bird Strikes and How to Survive Your Fifth Crash
Birds are lovely. Flocks, murmurations, geese flying south for the winter.
Dreamy!
Birds are also “competition of the sky”, drawing eyes away from the glory of your flight with their own. They are distractions. Obstructions. Always waiting and ready to take you down.
Evil!
That said, they are also the easiest way to get on the news. Ride the attention of their bad intentions. We recommend as you’re approaching your fifth crash, that you come up with a good story about a bird strike, whether it’s the thing that brings you down or not. Remember, you are going to crash ALL THE TIME, and as your work is failing what the hell, yell “bird strike” into the comms, and the FAA calls foul on the fowl but you still get the hype.
The body of water you choose for your fifth crash will depend on your proximity to it. Be aware. Check the charts. Don’t ditch into the ocean—your Partum Artem 2B aircraft will be difficult (not impossible but it’s a real arse-ache) to locate in an ocean—but lakes are fine. Try to skim your aircraft like a skipping stone until you come to a complete stop. Look Mum, no hands! Your aircraft is an amphibious vehicle and is equipped to land on water. There are buoyancy bags that inflate using the air of your ego and they keep the aircraft afloat for easy recovery at a later date.
Always take time for recovery after each creative project crashes. This is a time for learning and reflecting.
Please note that there is a seaplane upgrade that can be purchased for your aircraft. You can install it yourself and much like IKEA furniture, only requires a single Allen/hex tool, which is included in the package. For most people, the stock amphibious built-ins will be enough for choppy feedback after a bird strike and water landing.
Section 6: How to Fly in Formation and Survive Your Sixth Crash
While being a top solo hot dog in the air is a goal, note that collaboration with other pilots and flying in formation is also a rewarding experience. Formations often attract larger audiences and get more eyes on your flight patterns.
If you are new to flying in formation, please note that it is critical to maintain both visual and audio communication throughout the joint flight so as to not ‘clip wings’ and experience ‘no joy’ during maneuvers.
Should you accidentally clip wings with your formation buddy, assign blame upon crashing accordingly. Their vision was compromised, or your vision was compromised. If the formation was a true collaboration, the blame should be applied equally, and no fault found. Do not let crash number six dampen your enthusiasm for formation flying in your Partum Artem 2B.
It is a nimble and curious aircraft—give it room to soar.
Section 7: Aerobatics and How to Survive Your Seventh Crash
Aerial Acrobatics is a natural fit for the Partum Artem 2B, especially when piloted by someone of your daring and skill. That said, know your hard deck and stay above it. Or on it when you crash. Do not go under it.
Good tricks to attempt as a skilled creative aviator include Barrel Rolls, Tailslides, and the Falling Leaf. You will not be able to perform Pugachev’s Cobra—yet—but don’t forget the good ol’ Loop de Loop in your up-tiddley-up-ups, as that is always a crowd pleaser.
The Partum Artem 2B is renowned for being easy to maneuver at high speed, and you will be afforded many opportunities to ‘pull some Gs’ in your stunt aircraft. Please be advised to practice your Anti-G Straining Maneuver regularly so as not to pass out from the pressure. There will be pressure—you are executing great art, and the blood must flow for you to continue wowing the world with your magnificent aerial feats.
You may feel disheartened after your seventh crash, seeing as it occurred while attempting to pull off something daring. It may dissuade you from ever trying anything risky again. Please know that all your crashes including crash number seven will not be fatal. You will survive every crash in your Partum Artem 2B, and that’s a guarantee!
There will be a few dings, scratches, and bruises—to both you and the aircraft—but you will emerge each time practically unscathed and ready to fly again almost immediately. Nothing that happens during your many attempted creative flights will kill you.
That is the beauty of the Partum Artem 2B. It exists to Increase Your Reach (for the Skies), and long may she fly with you at the controls, Captain.
Fun Fact: Did you know most crashes can be avoided by simply never landing? Stay airborne and see you in the skies!
Sky friends,
Partem Artem Industries
Yours in tiny thought,
Janeen
Take a deep dive into this post. Watch this👇
This week’s amends…
"I enjoy tremendously every single moment of my life because death, all the time, is very close watching me and death might catch me. And every five minutes death don’t catch me, I enjoy tremendously."- Salavdor Dali
On Rotation: “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver” by Les Claypools’ Due de Twang (and of course, originally by Primus")
Stumbled across this video of Les Claypool’s Duo De Twang doing this Live version (below) of his Primus song “Wynona's Big Brown Beaver' on Soundcheck. Not gonna lie—I played this video over and over and over and just had to share it this week. Wizard.
The original Primus version also plays large in my mind. I had left university by then but was still living in Canberra. I got the CD after watching the insane video for it on Rage one night because it was just so weird. If you’re Australian, you will know Rage is an institution. Played non-stop music videos, no interruptions, all night on Friday and Saturday nights? I used to VCR it. VCR! It’s still going and has been going since 1987, making it the longest-running television program still in production.
Anyway, Les Claypool and Primus, if you don’t know… South Park theme. He also did the Robot Chicken theme. He's just an incredibly original bass player, IMHO, who literally slaps.
Primus sucks! (IYKYK)
From Boing Boing: “Ten-year-old Olive Wallace of Pennsylvania recently tried her hand at composing music. Her mom, Michelle Wallace, shared her penciled piece with the TikTok community and asked if it could be played.”
Several took on the assignment and woof, this glorious.
Many other musicians took it on and you can take a meander through them on TikTok.
Via BoingBoing
The Rowing Bath from 1916. That’s all.
Via Boing Boing
Shameless Podcast Plug
Listen to audio versions of early issues of The Stream on my podcast, Field of Streams, available on 👉 all major podcasting platforms 👈
Here’s Apple