Dial 1-800-Cry-on-Cue
Some people just can't cry. There oughta be a pill or an ointment for that...
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[PHONE RINGING. SOUND OF PICK UP.]
Hello. You have reached the head office of Married to the Sob Industries, where tears flow freely and uncontrollable weeping is actively encouraged. How may we help you cwy wike a widdle baby today?
“Oh, yes. Hello. Hi. I’m calling about your ad in the newspaper….The Weepy Weekly. It’s ummm… the Blubber BOGO Twofer-Tears promotion.”
Uh, huh.
“W-well, I was just looking on your website. Are the Cried My Sighs Out Smelling Salts included in the offer?”
Whoa! First. My guy. We have to follow certain guidelines before we proceed here because a smidge of caution will save me, ah, us, from a whole lotta mess-apo-tamias down the road, you know what I mean? Before giving you access to this exceedingly high-quality product, I need to ascertain your wants and needs correctly, as prescribed by the regulatory body that monitors us.
“Right… well I…”
This ain’t no willy-nilly enterprise like you’ll often find lurking in the parking lot of a cemetery and let me say this: while you may have found our advertisement in the tissues, these products cannot be wiped away by any old kind of client.
We are upper echelon! Discerning! The proprietors of Married to the Sob Industries cover very specific and situational emotional face river and stream territory, providing the very best of teardrop ticklers. Not some of your more watered-down cry merch as offered by one of our less safety-cautious competitors.
“Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn’t realize there were other companies out there.”
Oh yes. Nefarious, I’m afraid.
“Out of interest, who are your competitors? Would I have heard of them?”
I don’t want to name names, but if you see the words Six Years Sobber attached to any tear- or weep-related products…. Well, let’s just say work the steps in the other direction, if you know what I mean.
We here at Married to the Sob Industries, we’re different. We consider ourselves beyond reproach. Standards. It’s all about standards in the crying game and I assure you, all our tear-producing proprietary compounds are sourced from the highest-grade donors to create just the absolute pinnacle of SOB formulas.
Top-tier tears, as we like to joke in the lab. The best in weepiness.
But it’s not just the quality of the product, you understand. Our exemplary service is what we’re known for. Going above and beyond. Ensuring our customers receive the perfect tear concoction for their unique situation and nailing the right protocol and dosage regimen, right from the start. I can’t tell you how important it is getting the mix of tear-jerkery dialed to within an nth of its waaah.
Micro-dose parameters must be micro-ed and parameter-ed by our certified apothecary. And don’t get me started on timing! I mean, we don’t want you breaking down in the middle of—I don’t know—an intimate moment with a consenting romantic partner, for example. Inappropriate!
I mean, unless that’s part of the kink. You do you!
“Oh. Ok. Um…but what I really…”
And of course, we stand by our brand promise of 100% Guaranteed Tear Jerkers. We pride ourselves on being knowledgeable Cry Curators. This is serious. Playing with emotion and feeling is heady stuff and we don’t want our consumers to administer the wrong solution simply because their needs were not outlined from the start. Not all tears are created equal.
“Oh… I didn’t know that. I just thought tears were tears.”
Ha! No. That’s a very common misconception. But don’t worry. I’ve got you now. We’ll find the perfect curative for you in no time at all. So, tell me—what’s your current tear predicament?
“I don’t really know where to start. I just, you know, have trouble crying in general. My mother thinks my heart is made of stone and to be honest I felt absolutely nothing when she said that. But tears don’t come from the heart, anyway, right? Sooo… Then I saw the ad and…”
You can’t cry! Oh, that’s so tragic! In my line of work, you just hate to see it. Hate to see it [BEGINS TO CRY] Hold on. [SOBS] Sorry. I’m just going to put you on hold for a second.
[HOLD MUSIC - CRY ME A RIVER PLAYS. CALL RESUMES AFTER A FEW MOMENTS]
Sorry, I just had to dab some Runaway Tear Neutralizer on my nape. I was testing a new prototype this morning called Hat Drop and it’s MESSED ME UP a bit. I have notes for the team on that one, trust me on that.
But where were we? So, you may not be aware, my weep-challenged human, but the journey from dry baby to cry baby can be a long and arduous one. But we here at Married to the Sob, well, I like to say that our services and products meet at the intersection of Read Em and Weeps Avenue, bringing you, the customer, pure salted and liquid relief directly from the tear ducts of your soul.
Or as I like to say: this is where the blubber meets the road!
“Cool! I like that. Where the blubber meets the road. Cool, cool. So… where do we start? I’d like to crank up my average cry quotient pronto.”
On cue? Are you saying you want to be able to cry on cue? You aren’t an actor by any chance, are you? Is this something you need for a work situation, perhaps tied to a contract or to qualify for a SAG card?”
“What, no. Not on cue. I mean at times where it is appropriate. Just to let you know, I don’t even cry at movies when the main character dies. Even when it’s a dog! How sick is that?”
Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Die no cry. You’re unable to feel for others in peril? No empathy? Can’t imagine yourself in that situation?
“Well, it’s not real. It’s a script. Some idiot with spell check wrote it.”
Ok, well. How about this? When was the last time you cried?
“When David Bowie died. Man, that really bummed me out.”
Ah… so. If the sadness affects you personally, you can cry, but you can’t well up by projecting yourself into the sad situations of others, correct? Easy peasy, tear duct squeezy.
In this case, I would recommend one of our best-sellers—the Spilt Milk Conditioning Creme. It is—as the name hints at—a sort of milky creme that you rub into your skin to enliven the empathy pores. Its effects have been reported to last up to 4 hours! Long enough for a movie or perhaps even a parade of some sort. A medal ceremony at the Olympics where someone has overcome some kind of adversity to snatch the unexpected victory from a rival—you know, that sort of thing.
“Right on! Yeah. That’s sounds perfect!”
Ok, that’s one for the BOGO, now we just need one more. Tell me—what’s another situation where you can’t produce an adequate emotional indication of affectation via a display of wet face?
Now, I’m going to take a swing here and let you know that we have just launched our pre-order for an all-new product formula designed for purely performative tears.
Fun fact: It was called Code Word Crocodile for a long time, but Cry Freedom tested better in our biggest demographic. The Cry Freedom Lotion (also available as an insert—I won’t spoil the surprise of where) is just aces for all your patriotism or social outrage situations. Also, you know, any social injustice causes you want to be on the right side of but aren’t really sure which side that is. You just want to have something at the ready should the social tide suddenly turn.
“Ahhh…I… dunno…I…”
No. No. Of course. That one’s not for you. Forget I ever brought it up.
How about something like the Tears of a Clown Tincture? We’re usually out of stock on that one, but a new shipment just landed so you might want to snag a batch while you can. If you’re more of a private weeper, it’ll be right up your dark alley. Tears of Clown is a guaranteed ‘when no one’s around’ tear trigger.
“Oh, I don’t mind crying in public. In fact, I think that it would help me with some of my masculinity issues. To show that I’m capable of being vulnerable. I mean, humans are supposed to connect with each other, right? That’s a connection—or so I’ve heard. I’ve primarily used sports up until now.”
Connection! Vulnerability! Exactly! Oh, I could just cry with how much you just instinctively get it, you know? You’re like a dream customer.
Ok. So, with that in mind, I’m going to pencil in another one of our best-sellers for you as the possible second option for your BOGO—the Don’t Fear the Weeper emollient balm. It’s special because it gives you the ability to cry in public and really broadcast your feelings in a moment of vulnerability, but with one crucial bonus benefit—our scientists removed the chemical that tips it over the edge into ugly-cry territory. This is 100% guaranteed to keep you out of those treacherous salty waters. I mean, no one wants to ugly cry.
“No! That sounds great. Say, I’m just clicking around on your site here. What’s in the Cry for Help Moisturizing Compound? That looks interesting.”
Eeeeek…. I’m sorry to have to say that’s prescription-only, that one. You’ll need a referral from your therapist. It’s mostly for repressed memories and is enriched with extra protein and what-nots.
“Extra protein? What does that do?”
Good question. It makes the tears more… what’s a good way to put this… tacky. So they run down your face more slowly and luxuriously—like real drama queens—which makes them more noticeable to others around you. They’re really only for those people who are open to others seeing how much pain they’re in but can’t find the words to express it. These are the quiet suffering tears. The slow rollers.
To be honest, you’re putting out more non-life bummed-out cry vibes, as we discussed. Like at the movies and sad moments. Not the screaming abyss of internal pain. Nothing with actual emotional substance. Nothing that scrunches up your internals with angsty agony causing you to never leave the house.
Forgive me if I’m reading that wrong. I might be reading that wrong. There is a version of Cry for Help—sort of like a Cry for Help lite—that’s a slight modification of ingredients to make a solution that’s not as strong. Not as incapacitating.
It’s called the Tears for Fears Scalp Oil. Truly revolutionary product. It gives you the ability to “Shout, shout, let it all out” but without the curled-up-in-a-ball-in-the-corner side effects the Cry for Help Moisturizing Compound often brings out in people.
“Hmm... I dunno about that one. There are so many choices! What if I stick with the Spilt Milk Conditioning Crème and the… hmm… Don’t Fear the Weeper for the BOGO? Do you think that’s enough?
A couple more questions. When you get injured—I mean physically—do you cry then?
“I fell off a roof when I was ten. I cried like a banshee.”
Excellent. Have you fallen off a roof more recently? Do you think you would cry if you did?
“How high is the roof? Do I land on anything sharp?”
Ok, [LAUGHS]. How about this? When you get kicked in the ping pongs, do your eyes well up at all?
“Oh, for sure.”
In that case, I think we can cross out the Why Do We Scream at Each Other? ointment. Fun fact: That includes a Dove-fat extract for fear of commitment! And we can also probably ditch the Read ‘em and Weep lotion—that’s more for unexpected bills and such. Ahhh…. Bored to Tears is definitely off the list. That’s a suppressant for the overly emotional. Not right for this circumstance.
What else have we got in stock? Oh, the Big Boys Don’t. You said you are OK with crying in public and showing your vulnerability, correct? It’s more for people who grew up with a large societal expectation albatross shackled around their neck.
Checklist complete! I think the two you mentioned will be great for you.
“Awesome. And how much is that… all up?”
That’ll be $12,000 not including tax or shipping.
“Twel…twelve THOUSAND dollars! Cries on a cracker, who can afford that? That’s highway robbery! You’re just out for a quick buck by taking advantage of folks who are in real need here!”
Oh, come on, this is no time to cry wolf about not being able to afford it. Weepy Weekly newspaper ain’t exactly a blue-collar publication!
“Nah nah nah. This is outrageous! A BOGO is supposed to make things more affordable. That means at least one of these bullshit products is $12,000! Which one?”
I take offense at the use of the word bullshit. And also, no. It’s $12,000 because we charge more for the Buy One to cover the cost of the Get One. That’s just simple math.
“Dude. Do you even know how marketing works?”
Yes. I do. And this is called our ‘don’t make your shareholders cry pricing strategy’. Don’t get cross with me. Let’s let crygones be crygones? Ha! Get it? That’s a little tear industry joke. If we were at the buffet at an annual Cry Convention, that woulda slayed. Not a dry eye in the house. Get it!?
“Twelve thousand dollars is outrageous! You can’t possibly charge that much for some shitty crème or balm or oil or whatever-the-shit! It’d be easier just to nail-gun my hand or punch myself in the goddamn…!”
If I can just interject here for a moment. By any chance, have you recently overdosed on our Tears of Rage pills? I’m sensing you’ve shopped with us before. It sounds like…
[HANGS UP BEEPS.]
Well. I guess not.
Shame. I was just about to mention the BOGO comes with a free Drink the Tears of Your Enemies Face Mask.
Whatever. That was the weep that was. It’s over, let it go.
Go behind the scenes and see inspirations for this post👇
This week’s amends…
“Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.”- E.B. White
When confirming this quote, I found variations on it, and some talk of who originally said it. Seems E.B. White is the source.
I came to it via reading a tweaked version of it somewhere that I think hits at a broader application and I love it.
“[Art] can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process.”
Yes. And yes.
On Rotation: “Cover me up” by Jason Isbell
This is nuts. And with the amount of Kirkland Trail Mix I’ve eaten lately, I can tell you, I know nuts. It’s a 639-year performance of a John Cage composition called, “As Slow as Possible.”
“If all goes to plan, the performance of John Cage’s piece will last until 2640.”
It has been playing ‘non-stop’ since September 2001, and in 2020 (dammit, I missed it!) this happened:
At 3pm on 5 February, the concert will reach its latest milestone. One of the volunteers who keep the project going will plug an additional pipe into the organ, adding a d’ to the current six-note chord. It will be the first chord change in two years, the 16th since its start more than two decades ago.
So every now and then, a chord changes. Nice. In reading this article, the project is not without future challenges, namely, how to ensure it keeps going. Take a read. See the perilous predicament. Marvel at the ambition. And to close, a quote from a fan.
“To me, Cage’s piece speaks of an incredibly stubborn optimism: we will die, but this work of art will live on for generations.” - Anneli Borgmann, volunteeer
Shameless Podcast Plug
Listen to audio versions of early issues of The Stream on my podcast, Field of Streams, available on 👉 all major podcasting platforms 👈
Here’s Apple